Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
