Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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