if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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