They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
