I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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