i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
