i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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