Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
