I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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