yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Barsexuality is the new black.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
