oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
