neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
