my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
