my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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