did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
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