Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
