you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
