i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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