I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
