3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
