I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
