Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I currently don't understand fingers.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
