I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
