i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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