she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
