She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
