we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
