You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
