Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
