Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
