I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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