did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
