I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
