the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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