My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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