How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just invented taco cereal.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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