You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
