Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
