So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
