Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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