i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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