Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
