I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
they need to just BURY HIM!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
