see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
