my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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