its not stalking. its research.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
