Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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