I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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