just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You're like the curious george of whores
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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