I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
