smell my finger.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
