I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
